Pain Of Loss
by anaBTRusher
Summary: Why did this have to happen to us? I was supposed to be her big brother, her guide through life, but now I've failed. We're both left with a huge pain of loss. Mainly Kendall/ Katie angst.


**There's an A/N explaining everything at the end of this story.**

_**Pain of Loss**_

I am sitting on the edge of my bed, my face buried in my hands. Guilt is consuming my entire being, as I let the tears make their way down my pale face. It was my fault.

Why did I agree with her?

Why was I such a coward and didn't talk her out of this?

Why did this have to happen to her?

Why are we going through this horrible pain right now?

Oh yeah…I was the reason for all of this. I could have talked her out of it, yet I said nothing. I was supposed to be the one that would guide her through life and in the right direction.

Yet this time, I didn't.

I have failed my role as a big brother. Heck, I don't even deserve to be called like that anymore. I can feel more and more tears running down my face the more I think of it. I know that I am on the verge of sobbing, but I try to hold it in. She doesn't have to see the wreck I have become. She's going through enough pain already.

At some point though, it all becomes too much. My chest begins to shake from the strong emotions I've bottled up inside as I start crying with violent sobs, burying my face inside a pillow, trying to muffle out the sounds I am producing.

That moment, I hear the door creak silently as someone sits on the bed beside me. "Kendall, please don't cry" she whispers, her voice shaking with every word she says.

"Mom" I mutter "how can I not cry when I am the one responsible for all of this?"

"No, no you're not" she tries to soothe me, slowly running her hand down my back.

When I gather the force needed, I sit up and look at her. "Yes, I was" I tell her. "If I had talked her out of it, none of us would be going through this now"

Her bluish green eyes are now filled with tears as she looks at me with a devastated look on her face.

"Kendall, you don't have to blame yourself for what happened. None of us have to take the blame. The least we can do for Katie is to stay strong. That's all she needs so that she doesn't break down"

"Maybe you're right" I say "but it don't know how much more I can take before…" I trail off, but lose it. The next moment, I fall into my mother's tight embrace, crying and holding onto her as if my life depends on it.

"Don't cry, Kendall. Please don't" she says, getting choked up. "I love you" she whispers.

After minutes-or hours, I don't understand how time passes anymore- she has left the room. I stare blankly at the ceiling, hoping in vain that this will ease the ache. I close my eyes, trying to drift off to sleep.

I can hear footsteps, so I open my eyes to see my sister looking at me with puffy red eyes.

"Big brother" she begins, her voice raspy "are you okay?"

"I-I'm fine" I reply, trying my best to not break down in front of her. I stand up and look at Katie. "How about you?" I ask her.

"I don't even know anymore" she tells me. She then sits on the bed next to me. "Can I sleep here?" she asks me.

I chuckle at the memories of our childhood; how she'd come to me when she had nightmares or when the bed was too big and hard for her, how we'd fall asleep on our bed during a movie…Right now though, I feel like I'm looking at a different person.

Her eyes don't have this happy cheerful shade they used to. Instead, they are filled with sadness, worry. She's broken now. And I hate that.

"Of course you can" I mutter, as she lies next to me and nuzzles her head into the crook of my neck. The next moment, I can feel my shirt getting wet and her petite frame shaking with sobs.

"Why did I do that?" she cries. "Why did I have to put you all into so much pain? Why did I have to be such an idiot?"

"No, no it's not your fault baby" I whisper, feeling tears threaten to spill from my eyes as well. I hold her even tighter, as her sobs get louder and louder by the minute. At some point, my eyelids start closing. I let myself succumb to the sleep I have longed for.

But it still won't give me the relief I want. The moment I drift off to sleep, the events I hoped I'd forget all come back to me.

"_Happy 16__th__ birthday, Katie!" my mother, friends and I exclaim, as she blows the candles situated on the top of the vanilla-chocolate cake before her._

_She is smiling at all of us, showing her happiness for finally being 'sweet 16'. The sounds of laughs and singing voices echo throughout the apartment 2J, where we're staying._

_At some point, Katie says that she has to go to the bathroom. I look over to her and notice the paleness on her face. She runs to said room, holding her purse in her hands._

"_She must be going there to fix her hair and makeup" I say to myself as I continue having fun with my friends, James, Carlos and Logan. _

_My eyes suddenly fall on a young man standing there, named Jonathan. He has been my sister's boyfriend for the past three months. He is about two years older than her, and works at his father's hotel, which is situated next to ours, the Palm Woods._

_I can spot fear and anxiety in his eyes. Why in the world does he look like that on his girlfriend's birthday? My mind is filled with possible reasons, all of which I find absurd. At that point, Logan's girlfriend Camille walks in front of me, blocking my view of Jonathan. When she's gone, he is nowhere to be seen._

_I try to search for him by moving my head around, but I'm interrupted by James' poke on my shoulder. "Is everything okay?" he questions. I look at him and nod. "Let's go!" he tells me. He then grabs me by the hand and leads me to the swirly slide of our apartment._

"_We're too old for that, James" I reprimand. We first came to this hotel in LA when we were 16 to become a boy band. Six years later, we are Big Time Rush, one of the most successful pop stars._

"_Who says so?" he retorts. I chuckle at his immaturity. He is considered to be the 'player' of the group, the one who gets all the ladies, yet he still talks and behaves like a little kid. Even at 22. "Whatever" I reply, as we both go down the slide. _

_The rest of the night went by well. I even lost track of time at some point. Right before the sunrise, the party ended. After everyone has left, I lie on my bed, trying to get some sleep. Seeing that I can't, I decide to take a walk around the apartment. Suddenly, I hear loud cries coming from Katie's bedroom. My heart starts to race as I rush to it and open the door. My eyes widen at the sight._

_Katie is leaning against the bed, sobbing loudly. She is sitting on the floor, her head buried in her hands, and it's obvious that she still hasn't realized my presence._

_I let out a small gasp, worry consuming me. "Katie, what's wrong?" I ask, as I kneel down to her level, placing a hand on her shoulder. She looks up, her face and hands smeared with makeup._

"_I'm scared" she mutters, her entire body shaking. _

"_Why are you?" I ask, beginning to feel scared. _

"_I-I" she begins, but ends up burying her face in her hands, sobbing even louder than before. I am surprised that mom hasn't woken up yet, given that her bedroom is adjacent to Katie's._

"_Tell me, why are you scared?" I repeat my previous question. She looks up at me once more, her eyes red and puffy._

"_K-Kendall, J-Jonathan…"_

"_What, what did he do to you?" I ask. If this bastard has tried to hurt her, I swear I'll…_

"_He broke up with me!" she cries. I look down, trying to find something to comfort her. He is-well, was- her first boyfriend, so she sort of needs my support._

"_Well, I know you love him, but why are you so…"_

"_I'm pregnant, Kendall" she blurts out. "That's why he left"_

_Anger begins to well up at my insides. He left her while she is…pregnant. I gasp at the sound of this word. My baby sister, pregnant at sixteen? _

"_Are…are you sure?" I stutter. She nods, looking down. "I took two tests yesterday. I told him afterwards"_

_That explains her paleness, her rush to leave, Jonathan disappearing…My vision begins to blur. "D-do you know how far along you are?" I ask, my voice coming out raspier than I had thought._

"_No" she whispers. "God, I've disappointed you all!" she says, tears rolling down her makeup-stained cheeks. _

"_No, no you haven't, sweetheart" I say as I pull her into a tight embrace._

"_I ruined everything!" she cries. "Once the press finds out, our family and the band will never be the same! Plus, Jon is gone, and mom will be disappointed in me…"_

"_Don't say that!" I cut her off, kissing the top of her head. "We'll make it through" I whisper, trying to soothe her. "No matter what happens, no matter what you decide, I'll always be there for you, baby sister" _

"_You promise?" she asks. I nod. After all, the least I can do is support her._

* * *

_The following morning, Katie and I went to the doctor's office, where her pregnancy was confirmed. Afterwards, we decided to tell our mother about it. As soon as she finds out, a mixture of shock and anger is all over her face. "Katie, I cannot believe that you did that" she says. _

"_Mom, it was our first time, and he had told me he didn't have to use protection, because he'd be careful…"_

"_And you believed him. Seriously, what were you thinking?"_

"_I-I don't know" Katie cries, burying her face in her hands, sobbing for the millionth time in those days._

"_Does Jon know about it?" my mom questions._

"_Yes, he does. But he wants no involvement, and says that he doesn't care about what I plan to do with it"_

"_What an asshole" my mom curses under her breath. At that point, her mad expression had changed._

"_I let you down, didn't I?" Katie asks._

"_To some extent, yes. But I'm your mother, and I have to be there for you through it all, no matter what you decide"_

"_Thanks mom" Katie says, a faint smile appearing on her tear-stained face. _

"_So, what do you plan on doing?" _

"_I don't know…if I keep it, a scandal will break out. BTR's reputation will be ruined and our lives will change forever"_

"_You know, adoption's an option too" I suggest._

"_At what cost? If I put it up for adoption, it will soon become known that it is mine; I don't want to make you all go through so much pain and hate because of my irresponsible actions!"_

"_So, you're thinking about…not having it?" I ask timidly. Katie nods, looking down. "But I'm so confused; I don't think I'm able to decide right now" she replies. Some moments of absolute quietness ensue._

"_Katie, think it over very carefully before you make a decision" my mother finally speaks, breaking the silence. "We'll support you no matter what, won't we, Kendall?" she adds, turning to me._

"_O-of course we will" I say, unable to speak more. Katie then stands up and walks to her bedroom, leaving me and my mother alone. _

"_What do you think she'll do, mom?" I ask, trying to avoid the awkward silence of before._

"_I have no idea" she replies, running her soft fingers through my blond hair. "But she's 16; she's responsible for her actions. We all have to respect her decision, no matter what it will be. Let's not try to push her into anything". I nod, as we share a hug. I personally don't want Katie to have an abortion. But mom's right; I'm gonna have to respect her decision. _

_In the following hours, not even a word is spoken in our apartment. James, Carlos and Logan are all too busy with their shenanigans; Logan's with Camille, James is obviously with a girl, Carlos is probably running around in the Palm Woods Park…_

_My mom and I have lunch in complete silence, while my sister is upstairs. Suddenly, we hear footsteps as she walks into the kitchen. Still speechless, we all eat and then head off to our bedrooms. At that point, I receive a text from James, informing me about this new girl's party they'll all be going to, and asking me to join them too._

"_Nah, I'm kinda sick" I reply, disappointed at the excuse I've come up with._

"_2 bad…I guess I'll see ya..tomorrow " James texts back. I sigh in relief. Normally I'd be sad not having my three best friends and band mates around, but peace and quiet is all Katie needs right now._

_The hours go by extremely slowly. In the night, Katie tells me and my mom to gather in the living room for her to announce her decision. _

_I sigh. This is going to be a really difficult time for all of us._

* * *

"_How are you feeling?" I ask my sister, immediately regretting it. She's about to have an abortion; how is she supposed to be feeling?_

_Getting no reply, I simply hold her hand as she sits on the bed, two nurses getting her wired up in various machines. The doctor walks in, looking at the two of us._

"_Good morning, Katie" she says, sensing the tension in the atmosphere. She then reports what she's about to do, no emotion in her voice. I am feeling disgusted at what I hear. Of course I've done my research on the subject, but still, the details are making me sick to my stomach. _

_My eyes fall on the paraphernalia next to the doctor. They all look so sharp, like knives. They both serve the same purpose. My mind is screaming one thing: 'stop it before it's too late'. I try to open my mouth, but the sound of my voice dies in my throat. _

_I have to stop this. _

_I need to stop this. _

_But I can't. I guess I am too big of a coward. I have always been the 'leader' of BTR, making all the decisions, yet now, I can't even express my freaking opinion. I feel so sorry for myself. _

_Katie's firm grasp on my hand snaps me out of my trance. I look over to her. Her eyes are tight shut, avoiding the sight. My eyes shift from her face to the place the doctor's sitting, as I begin to feel light-headed._

_What I'm looking at cannot be described with words. I have watched millions of gory horror movies and not been affected by them. But this sight is the one that has me on the verge of breaking down. _

_Therein, in the doctor's glove-covered hands, lies the tiny body of a baby. But it's not how it's supposed to look like. It's extremely small, in pieces, like a broken ragdoll, covered in blood. Nausea and dizziness consume me._

"_It would have been a boy" the doctor simply states. I cover my mouth, trying my best not to lose it._

_A boy._

_My sister's boy._

_My little nephew._

_I can hear my sister's loud sobs and turn around to see her looking at the gruesome sight. I politely ask to leave for a while. I just can't handle it anymore. The moment I walk out, I lean against the wall, rolling down the wall, crying my eyes out, so loudly that even my mom who's sitting in the waiting room hears it. She instantly runs to me and looks at the wreck I have become. _

"_Kendall? Talk to me please" she whispers as she kneels down to my level, her voice shaking. I look up at her, and notice tears spilling from her blue eyes._

"_My little nephew" I whisper shakily. _

"_It was a boy?" my mom asks. I nod, as I take a deep shaky breath._

"_It's my entire fault" I add. "I still had my doubts about it, and I was cowardly enough to not speak up! If I had, this little guy would still be alive. We would have raised him all together. I would have taught him how to play hockey and how to be a gentleman, and now I never will because he's gone!" I trail off before resuming to sobbing._

"_Come here, sweetheart" I can hear my mom whisper as she pulls me into her warm, safe arms. "It's OK, it's OK; I'm here" she tries to soothe me, but I can hear her crying as well._

"_We'll be alright" she tells me. "We have to". I say nothing. Instead, I hold on to her even tighter. Right now, there's only one thing I'm sure of._

_Our family will never be the same._

* * *

I instantly wake up, tears running down my face. It's been two days since this all happened. I sense that everyone in here except for me is asleep. The apartment just feels so cold and empty. As soon as the guys found out, they broke down as well, and decided to give our family some privacy.

I run my hand through my hair, as I take in a deep breath. At that moment, I realize that Katie's not lying with me anymore. She is sitting on the edge of the bed, turning her back on me, staring at the ceiling. "You know, I've always loved the name Daniel" she says, realizing that I'm awake. "If we had kept him, he would have been a Daniel for sure"

I can feel myself getting choked up at the hurt in her voice. "You would have taught him how to play hockey, and I would have shown him how to pull pranks on you guys" she goes on. She then turns her face to me, and lies back on her previous position, her eyes filling up.

"We would have been a great family" I tell her. "Me, you, Dan, mom and the guys. Despite what the world would say. We'd have our problems-they would sure be a lot- but we'd also have happy moments. We'd be a family full of love"

My sister stares blankly at me for a brief moment. The next one, we are hugging each other tightly, holding on to each other as if our lives depend on it. We aren't crying, nor are we talking; we've run out of tears and words.

"We're going to get past this" I finally speak. "Our little Daniel will finally forgive us in the end. We just need to stay strong"

I highly doubt that, though. Because all we're left with now, is a huge, heart-wrenching pain of loss.

**I'm not preaching my views on anything. I also apologize if I have offended anyone. In my honest opinion, abortion should not be performed, unless both mother and child are in such danger that not even a doctor can save them, or the mother was raped. Again, you don't have to agree with me, and if you don't, please respect my opinion, as I do yours.**

**I really worked hard on this one-shot and I would like to see your opinion on it. So…review!**

**~Ana**


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